I have just read about a theory developed by a psychologist called Susan Silk that in my opinion is pure genious. To some of us, this rule is an intuitive understanding but to those who don’t have an inbuilt radar of what is appropriate to say to someone going through a crisis or grieving, it is gold.
Here is the rule, whenever something happens (it can also be a wedding or the birth of a child, not just a crisis) the person to whom it happens goes to the centre of the “silk ring”. The ring goes a bit like a target. Those used to do archery. So the person experiencing the event (and for the purpose of our blog that would be either someone dying or someone who has just lost a loved one) is in the red circle and that person can say absolutely anything he or she wants. For the sake of simplicity I will use the feminine when referring to a person, no offence to men. Now she can say anything she wants to anyone because she is at the centre. Others (everyone) are here to offer comfort and support. Anyone outside the red circle is not welcome to offer any advice unless asked. That’s a clear neat rule. Yet I can think of many people who violate this usually through self centeredness. It seems everything happens to them even when it happens to others.
Then the circles expand from the people closest to the person in the circle with significant other and children next and so on. For some of us, family will be friends, especially the ones coming from abusive backgrounds, so don’t assume that it is always family that comes first. I personally have a spiritual mum and I would put her in my first circle. And most of my friends would come before my siblings (I am going to get killed for this but hey).
Each person in the “target” can complain, rant and say things like “it’s not fair” but only to someone in a further ring then themselves, because it is their spiritual duty to offer support and comfort to the persons closer to the red circle than them. Again, I am going to be heavy handed here: comfort and support, not advice. And if you can’t, then abstain: do a disappearing act. It’s better to do that than to dump your stuff on them. They might feel hurt but you can explain later.
I decided to suspend all contact with a cousin of mine who was a very close to me. We were like sisters. But when I made the very difficult decision not to go to my Dad’s funeral because my uncle, who molested me as a child was going, she lashed out at me. To her it might have seemed like a harmless comment “You should be bigger than him. Ignore him.” To me, it was the biggest betrayal she could pull on me. She was obviously unaware of the silk ring theory. She also conveniently forgot that I had been by her side supporting her when she went through something very similar. So the betrayal was deep. It was clearly a one way road. This all happened two days after my Dad died and frankly I was astounded that someone could do something as insensitive as that in such circumstances but people do. They do it all the time because they make it about them instead of making it about you.
When I set my boundaries and said I no longer wished to be in contact with her, she send me an email of incredibly aggressive insults. Again, what a perfect timing (I am being sarcastic here, in case anyone misses it).
My advice to you is that if anyone behaves like this around you when you are in the circle: avoid them like plague. Be busy. Put your phone on answerphone mode. If they still don’t get the message or if you want to be more direct, send them a copy of the article by Susan Silk in the Los Angeles Times (for some reason I am not able to post a link, so please google it). Maybe they will get it then. Maybe their own grief is making it hard for them to be compassionate for you. A lot of people have so many unresolved issues that in circumstances like these it is hard for them to be there for others.
But if, like my cousin, it has been building up for a long time and they seem to be sensitive only one way: their way; then I would suggest to do what I did: take a break for an indefinite period of time. I know my cousin has been around the family saying how cruel I am and how hurt she is. She even went to my mum, who frankly with my Dad having died only a few months ago, has other things to worry about. Can you see a pattern? It’s all about them. And they will tell you at the most inappropriate moment “it’s not all about you”. It doesn’t matter if you have known someone all your life. After all my cousin and I have known each other for forty eight years. But enough is enough. When people reveal their true colours, why continue to put up with it? Life is too short. That is the lesson that our loved ones from the other side teach us.
Blessings
Ange de Lumiere
We are all going to die one day 